"Damn, you're cute as shit for a big girl!" This underhanded "compliment" has been one that I've heard hundreds of times during my existence on this earth. I've always had conflicting emotions and feelings over this statement. I never really knew how to take it when I was very overweight. "I mean, it could be worse!" I would say to myself. "I could be ugly AND fat!" I didn't understand the magnitude of disrespect that was being verbally flung my way until I lost a lot of weight; I was really THAT comfortable with my acceptance of being a "pretty big jawn." A part of this acceptance was a HUGE contributing factor as to why I didn't take my health as seriously as I should have.
Back story: I've been called every adjective of the word PRETTY since the day I was born (with the exception of a few bad pre-teen breakouts and horrible hair decisions, lol). I've been a D cup bra size since elementary school, and I've always had the "gift" of capturing the attention of the opposite sex. I know this is coming off as ridiculously conceited, but this is MY truth. Even as my weight crept past 200 lbs, there was never a moment that I felt undesired by men. So when I was at my biggest and the "pretty for a big girl" comments started, it didn't phase me! The only word I filtered out was "pretty" and felt that the rest of what was being said was irrelevant. I didn't care that I almost had 3 chins, I would just throw on more pretty makeup and take better angled "selfies." I didn't gave a rats ass about the fact that I couldn't fit ANYTHING in my closet, I would just buy more fly shit in a bigger size, throw a Spanx on and keep it moving. I was so delusional about the truth, which was that I was becoming OBESE and UNHEALTHY. I remember sitting in a Weight Watcher's meeting (that I participated in very poorly) and listening to a woman talk. The question asked was: "What is something that you are looking forward to the most after losing weight?" Her answer was, "I really just want men to be attracted to me." All I could think of, sitting there in my 205 lbs of fabulousness, was that it must suck to be her! I didn't have those kind of problems! Or so I thought..
Retrospect can be everything. While I'm unfortunately thinking that everything is all good because men still thought I was cute, I was killing myself slowly. Now that my health and figure have been regained, I can dissect the "pretty for a big girl" comments with a clarified mind. What men were really saying was this: "although I don't normally prefer fat chicks, I'll make an exception for you because you're pretty!" Most of the men that approached me during this period of my life were not attempting to enter it with the intention of a lifelong relationship, but to satisfy their curiosity of being with a big woman. As much self-confidence that I thought I had, I now realize that I was hiding many of my insecurities behind this protective layer of glam, neck up selfies, and other peoples compliments. Boy, am I glad this layer has been stripped away. Losing weight helps you gain such a better perspective on life and the way you're living. The standard for how I now live my life isn't based on anything but what makes ME happy. I don't give a fuck how pretty, ugly, fat, skinny, etc somebody may think I am, I have fallen in love with myself 100% completely for the first time in a loooong time. I will NEVER again let a man disrespect me with such a comment and pretend that I'm being paid a compliment.
There is a huge difference in how I'm approached by men now that I have lost weight, I don't know if its because my inner glow shines a lot brighter these days, if it's because my dedication to weight loss is viewed as a sign of strength and stability, or because all those damn squats and lunges rounded my ass out, lol. But what I can definitely see and feel is a different level of respect from the opposite sex. This isn't a diss to big girls, because I still don't think beauty can be defined from a number on the scale, but nothing is sexier than taking care of yourself from EVERY perspective. Nothing is PRETTIER than good health!